Listening Is
The cornerstone of all conflict and communication practices.
90% of the conflict process is about being a good listener.
The Opposite of Multitasking Is
Active Listening.
The ability to focus and attend to an outside speaker, while putting aside your ‘inside dialogue’ takes practice.
The earlier we start the practice the better.
Paraphrase
In your own words repeat back what you are hearing.
“So what I hear you saying is….”
“Hold on, let me just make sure I am getting this right....”
Reassuring Phrase
What else?
Is there something more you need to tell me?
Is there anything else I need to know?
Ok, and…?
Yeah, and...?
Examples of Paraphrasing Opener
“So what I hear you saying is….”
“Hold on, let me just make sure I am getting this right....”
What else?
Is there something more you need to tell me?
Is there anything else I need to know?
Ok, and…?
Yeah, and...?
What to Do With Feelings
Every feeling is important information.
Keep connected to your feelings as well as to the person you are listening to.
After the individual has had an opportunity to be heard and you have paraphrased information, you can make observations about the emotional state.
You are responsible for your own feelings.
First You Notice
I notice you are talking fast and your voice is squeeky. Does this mean you are feeling excited?
I notice you are very quiet and your mouth is starting to quiver. What are you feeling right now?
You can’t stay still in your chair and your eyes are all over the place. What’s going on for you right now?
Use Non Judgmental Language
Keep your words as neutral as you can.
Keep the focus on your observations vs. controlling the conversation
Allow the speaker to be in control of the conversation.
Continue to Reinforce the information and the felt experience within the information
Practice
This is a skill and with practice, over time, you can build your listening muscles.