TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Make sure you are calm and kind. Your thoughts matter. Go with the intention to hold relationship.
ASK FOR PERMISSION “Do you have 20 minutes to talk to me? I’d like to talk about what happened at recess on the playground.
GET CURIOUS: This is what I see…. This is what I feel…. “I notice you never passed the ball to me at the soccer game, even when I asked you to a few times. And then you called me names and made fun of me. That didn’t feel great at all. What’s up?”
LISTEN – MATCHING Face the person, gently match their physical patterns.
LISTEN – PARAPHRASE Repeat what they are saying in your own words to check for understanding.
LISTEN – WHAT ELSE? When you they have finished telling their side of the story, keep asking more questions?
SAMPLE STARTERS:
“So what I hear you saying is….”
“Hold on, let me just make sure I am getting this right....”
What else?
Is there something more you need to tell me?
Is there anything else I need to know?
Ok, and…?
Yeah and…?
MAKE A REQUEST – “What can we do to solve this problem?” “Where do we go from here?” Come up with a way to work on this and make this better so that it won’t happen.
CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESSES. Remind yourself you are doing courageous work. Whenever you teach someone to treat you with kindness, you are building up your courage muscles and your compassion muscles.
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