When you take the time to think about all of the conflicts that you have, you will see a pattern. Your repeated conflicts lead to your crisis. Behind every crisis there is a story that needs healing.
Several years ago, I was working in a school that changed administrators halfway through the school year. The new principal immediately implemented new programs that were familiar to her, but would require the rest of the staff to take time and energy to learn. I found myself getting more and more angry as I read the barrage of emails, and before I had a chance to meet her, I resolved not to participate in the new programs.
I had many thoughts running through my head. “She does not value my work. All she wants to do is make herself look good without acknowledging the expertise and systems already in place.” The new principal’s management style was a trigger for me, and with only some information, I went into ‘attack’ mode. The feeling of, “She does not value my work” is a recurring theme in many of my conflicts. It is one of my frequent spirals: I am not valued and I am not seen. As soon as something happens that brings this painful story to my attention, I attack. I react.
We all have triggers. We all have words or actions that get under our skin. They are well-worn stories stored inside our body, which is why they are so easy to revisit over and over again.
Conflicts inform you that something needs your attention. It is a signal that something in your world does not match your true self, and it requires you to take some action. It doesn’t matter if the conflict resides within you, with a colleague, with your children, family members, the current political climate, or a complete stranger. Your conflicts are there to inform you that you need to think or do something differently.
When you take the time to think about all of the conflicts that you have, you will see a pattern. Your repeated conflicts lead to your crisis. Behind every crisis there is a story that needs healing.
You can pretend the story is not painful. You can act like the story does not belong to you, but this will not stop the conflict from returning and pointing you towards your crisis. Every conflict is a small crisis. It is like a helpless child asking for your attention. It is pointing to some story or some felt experience that needs to be addressed. If you can face your repeated conflicts, you can begin to transform yourself.
This blog post is adapted from material in, “Your Beautiful Trauma — a practical guide to help you convert crisis into full scale transformation”.
To learn more about Creative Edge visit www.creativeedgeconsulting.com. If you are interested in receiving more information about conflict coaching or mediation, please contact me at conflictalchemist@gmail.com to receive a free 30-minute consult.